1 in 4 My Story of becoming a Stat connected to Loss

Trigger Warnings For: loss, ectopic, trauma, miscarriages. If you are not in the place to read this journey, please shield your mental health and do not read my story.

I decided since I have been given this business platform to make an impact. I feel like, currently in the battle, waiting for our double rainbow baby, I wanted to share my story. I have been sharing for a while on my personal platform and I have been able to hold secrets for so many women, and a safe space to share their story as well. I am going to share my thoughts on our journey but I cannot begin to share what my husband has experienced while on this path together. I can tell you, it has brought us closer together, we have been to depths of anger, sadness, excitement, hope and faith together.

Our journey started in 2021; when you begin to try to grow your family, it seems so fun and exciting and can turn stressful and disappointing almost too quickly as the months carry on. October 2021, we got our first positive pregnancy test, I couldn’t contain my excitement, I pulled out the push pin count down board to surprise my husband-I tried to be as Pinterest as I could be. We were filled with so many great levels of excitement at this point. If you have been pregnant or trying to become pregnant you know, getting pregnant is just the first step, then come the milestones, starting with making it past week 6. I believe we were about 5 weeks in and I started to bleed, which can happen, but not the most reassuring feeling. We called my OB and went in for an early scan to make sure everything was okay. Thank the lord my husband got to come with me, because I had no idea how traumatic this appointment was about to become. The Ultrasound tech came in to do her scan, she let us know, “we probably will not be able to see a heartbeat, you are still too early, so do not panic”. As she began the scan she started to become quiet and reserved, which led to fear and anxiety on our end. She then informed us, with minimal details, that they would be sending me to the emergency room. Later learning that what she was seeing was not a baby in the womb but an ectopic pregnancy. Our first rainbow baby was implanted outside of my right fallopian tube, not where they were supposed to be.

My husband and I raced over to ER after a brief meeting with my OB at the time. We were greeted with haste and concern and taken back to a private room. It was confirmed that I did in fact have an ectopic pregnancy. This journey was not one I expected, I was told I needed to have a low dose chemo shot to begin the process of safely passing this pregnancy. I asked for a chance to pass it naturally, as my HCG was low. With countless blood tests showing these results, I wanted the opportunity to pass this without chemo, as I am not a fan of chemicals within my body (oh the irony of what laid ahead for me). When I returned for my follow up, I was told my HCG (the hormone in the blood that tells your body you are pregnant) was declining. To be safe, the OB still wanted me to take the low dose chemo shot and called ahead to the ER to let them know I was coming in to have this given. Upon arrival, we again were given a private room in the ER, I was taken over to triage to be given the shot, my mind was racing and it just did not feel right to me. My husband was standing next to my bed trying to keep me calm and he said “baby what can I do?”, I said every ounce of my being is telling me do not take this shot, and he supported me. We told the nurses I did not want the shot. I was taken back to my room and offered counseling from another OB from my practice.

The OB who arrived was one who isn't jaded, who is kind, relatable and supportive, while also keeping the facts upfront and centered. I cried to this woman; she was so sweet and talked options with me and she made a plan for the next week or two which outlined blood tests and projected results in order to be considered safe and no longer life threatening. She explained what the results should be doing and the goals of these results, basically, what we should be seeing in the tests to be safe. I had to go every other day for blood work to ensure my HCG was continuing to decline at a certain rate until I was to the baseline of no longer being pregnant. She instructed me if my HCG were to rise at any point during that week, the shot was my only option, we agreed and left. A week or so later, with lots of follow up, we were starting to physically close this chapter. The HCG declined safely and steadily and we officially lost our first pregnancy.

March of 2022 I met with another OB at my practice and asked to have my tubes looked at via HSG, as I heard this could be a reason for why ectopic(s) could occur. I have never felt less, seen, heard and understood in my life from a doctor. I was told my chances were low for a reoccurring ectopic and to continue trying. I was also told if I wanted to have this procedure done, to reach out to a reproductive endocrinologist, as this OB would not send me for it. So, I did call and set up an appointment with IVF MI for July 2022, and we carried on.

June 2022, we received our second positive pregnancy test. Though, after you’ve lost one before, it does suck some of the joy out of these moments and it is replaced with fear and more anxiety. Not to say we weren’t extremely excited but we were also weakened with fear that the same outcome would occur. We held on to the stats, that it (ectopic) was less likely to occur the second time around. We had a couple weeks of enjoyment as we continued to make note that this pregnancy felt different, in the best way possible. We started to settle in and become even more excited as time continued to pass. The possibility of our rainbow baby coming March 2023 was so fantastic. This time around, it just so happened that we found out we were pregnant a few weeks before our scheduled consult with IVF MI.

We met with our current reproductive endocrinologist and I asked them if they could still monitor me, due to past history and wanting to be in the best hands I could be. They agreed to keep me as a patient and that Friday I was scheduled to have my HCG drawn to confirm this pregnancy. That morning, I woke up to severe cramping on my right side and blood. Fearing the worst, my husband drove me back to the same ER we had visited the year before.

On the way, we decided if we had another ectopic, I would take the chemo shot and move on. When we arrived, we were attended too immediately. I was taken for an ultrasound and blood was drawn for the same tests I was so used to at this point. Bleeding in the start of pregnancy, while not comforting, is fairly normal. My HCG numbers came back great and I was farther along than I had been before, which was again, making this time around more exciting yet scary to be back in the ER. When I went for my ultrasound, I was informed that I again had an ectopic pregnancy. Our sweet rainbow baby was stuck in my right fallopian tube. Though this time, growing normally as it should. Just not where it was supposed to be. To say we were devastated is an understatement. We were overwhelmed with emotion. We waited for the OB on call to come talk to us. We were given a god send in the fact that it was the same OB from my practice who helped us with our previous loss. Her comfort, care and humanizing demeanor helped in one of the worst moments of our lives. She offered two options, low does chemo shot or surgery to remove the pregnancy and tube. I had come to terms with the shot, so we proceeded forward. After the shot is given, you have to get blood work done every couple of days after to ensure your HCG is lowering. The risk of rupture is very real, and any signs of increased pain meant I was to return to the ER for emergency surgery. I continued to have my HCG drawn and instead of my numbers lowering, my numbers continued to rise. We then decided with support from our OB, to have the surgery to remove my right tube along with our pregnancy.

The morning of surgery after we got back my blood results and after learning that they had again continued to rise, my OB came into triage and told me that I could possibly be carrying twins. There could be one in the womb and one in the tube. While this is extremely rare, neither of them would be viable due to the chemo shot, I was told I needed another ultrasound to ensure this was not occurring. I truly felt a moment of hope as well as more grief as we were losing another baby, not to mention the possibility of two babies at once. The ultrasound revealed I in fact only had one {sweet} baby growing properly and strong, tucked away inside my right tube. Unfortunately, the chemo shot did not stop the baby from continuing to grow and surgery was the best case to ensure my life and keep me safe. We discussed preforming an HSG to look at the tubes while I was under and while I was open, to see how my left side looked. When I woke up I was happy to hear that it all went well, or so I thought. When my husband finally got to see me, he was distraught over the fact that they had discovered that my left tube was also not in good shape. He was lost for words and couldn’t make the choice to remove it while I was under, as we hadn’t fully discussed this option. So, we went home and began recovery. Before leaving my OB had mentioned proceeding forward with IVF and that my reproductive endocrinologist would probably want my other tube removed, but that they should be the ones to make that call for the next steps.

The months following this loss were a lot harder than the previous loss. This baby was a fighter and was healthy, coming to terms with these facts; brought new levels of grief I did not know existed. It was a viable baby, just never made it out of the tube. I took time for myself, I pulled away from friends, pregnancy announcements triggered me too much. I took my own advice and just removed what my mental health could not handle at the moment. It wasn’t my season to be the supportive encouraging friend, I needed space. In this darkness, I found a group of women, in the club no woman ever wants to be a part of; the loss club, the infertility club.

Sadly, 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, 1 in 6 experiences infertility. While I was grieving the loss of our second pregnancy, I was starting to dive deeper into what infertility means and what our options are. We were advised when we started our journey into IVF: “We, Under No Circumstance, should be trying to get pregnant naturally”. The chances of another ectopic with the conditions of my last remaining tube were not safe for me.

If you are currently in this season of life, trying to navigate, feeling alone, I promise you, you are not alone. I share this all so you don’t have too, but so you can also feel seen. I am here to help and support in any way I can. Please feel free to send me emails, schedule a session, send me a DM on Instagram. I have found power in sharing my story along with vulnerability. Every person’s journey is different and neither is easier, harder, better or worse, we are all just trying to survive on this path of infertility to one day have a family.